A few weeks ago someone left a reply to my post “Even Our Phone Sex Is No Sex At All ”
So here is my reply.
To start, have you no idea what a blog is often used for? To vent, and express feelings. A little on the harsh side don’t you think?
You know what? I have concerns about my marriage. I suspect that there are VERY few married people who can’t relate to that statement alone. In the heat of those concerns I feel that it’s better to get them out on my blog – where I can say what I need to, so that when the time comes that I can speak with my husband about my concerns, I can do so in a calmer and clearer manner.
Also, I feel that my situation is not just my own. I am obviously not the only woman with these fears, concerns, or feelings as you can see by the comments left here. If one woman reads my words and realizes not only is she not alone but that these feelings are normal, then perhaps it will better enable her to cope or deal with the problems she is facing.
When another woman tells me she can relate to how I feel, I also realize perhaps my problems are not just mine alone and again, see that these issues are normal and can be part of even a good marriage. Telling a woman to ‘stop complaining’ is no solution to anything at all.
I can’t see how a little mutual empathy can hurt. Telling a woman to ‘stop complaining’ is simply asking her to feel isolated.
Seeing how normal it is to have a differing sex drive from your husband (I am not talking about statistics and articles one can find on Google – but real women – women with similar lives to myself) made me feel hopeful and as though I might have more ability to work on this than I had given myself credit for.
You said “Sex isn't the only thing to make a marriage/relationship. The moment you stop feeling loved is the moment to wonder what is going wrong.”
At no time have I suggested SEX is the ONLY thing to make a marriage/relationship. My husband is a wonderful man - but each person feels loved in different ways and one expression of love, is making love. So excuse me if I have some needs in that department. Oh and BY THE WAY if my husband doesn’t want to make love to me, then YES I STOP FEELING AS LOVED! My husband loves to eat, and feels loved when I cook for him. If I stopped cooking for him he would be pretty upset. Does that mean he isn't allowed to feel that way? Because some guy might say "stop complaining, you have a wife that wants to screw your brains out".
Am I being the best wife I can be by neglecting him in a way he needs love? I think not. I had to, as a young wife, learn how my husband needed love. I had to learn that he felt more loved with a homemade meatloaf hot on the table than a can of Campbell’s Soup left on the counter. I think that he still needs to learn how I need love – and that that is not a comment on my gratitude in other areas.
One good thing does not fill the void of another - nor does the void in one area diminish the good in another. I believe I have every right to complain about what I want, when I want, however much I want, on my own blog. You are like the people who claim to hate a particular channel and its programming, and can give a plethora of shows/ hosts they hate. Well why the fuck are you watching it then?
I didn't ask you to read my blog. When I start complaining on YOUR blog. Tell me to shut the fuck up. You would be more than justified in doing so. I can say that short of a few issues I have a wonderful marriage. We are very, very close in many other ways. We are best friends and exceptionally comfortable around each other. But part of a marriage is taking care of the other persons needs. He hopes I will take care of his needs – I hope the same in return.
You said: “When you were a little girl, did you day dream about weekly sexual escapades with a pilot or did you dream about growing old and sharing a life with someone you loved?”
I dreamed of many things. I think it is a little bit naïve to assume I dreamed of only ONE or the OTHER or - that it’s a choice between one or the other.
I want a healthy sex life and I want a husband to grow old with. Excuse me for having such ridiculous dreams.
You said “Talk to him and tell him your needs. If that doesn't work, buy a vibrator and use it in his presence. He's either going to get jealous or turned on.”
Oh – good to know this solves the problem. Hear that ladies? It’s just that simple. I suspect if it was that simple you would be rich as you would have saved the marriages of millions. I aspire to encourage the growth of intimacy. Sure in less practical moments maybe jealousy tactics may come out of anyone’s tool box. But I doubt it will SOLVE my problems.
You said “Believe me...I wish I would have appreciated the little things my husband used to do while he did them. His small efforts went unnoticed, so he just stopped. What I didn't realize was that when I ignored his little intimacies, I also inadvertently discouraged him from showing affection all together. You will miss it when it is gone.”
I am not a total asshole – and can acknowledge that THIS is the one valuable think you wrote in my opinion. Now had you simply shared this I would think you were a wise woman giving advice instead of all the other stuff that simply made me suspect you were judgmental, know it all who thinks she knows better than myself and the other women who have posted here.
You have obviously not made your blog available for others to see and since you do not advocate complaining in blogs it must be full of rainbows and lollipops. If that’s the case – why not share the wonderfully joyous, totally edited, version of your life for the rest of us whiners to read.
Anyways – thank you for your opinion!
So here is my reply.
To start, have you no idea what a blog is often used for? To vent, and express feelings. A little on the harsh side don’t you think?
You know what? I have concerns about my marriage. I suspect that there are VERY few married people who can’t relate to that statement alone. In the heat of those concerns I feel that it’s better to get them out on my blog – where I can say what I need to, so that when the time comes that I can speak with my husband about my concerns, I can do so in a calmer and clearer manner.
Also, I feel that my situation is not just my own. I am obviously not the only woman with these fears, concerns, or feelings as you can see by the comments left here. If one woman reads my words and realizes not only is she not alone but that these feelings are normal, then perhaps it will better enable her to cope or deal with the problems she is facing.
When another woman tells me she can relate to how I feel, I also realize perhaps my problems are not just mine alone and again, see that these issues are normal and can be part of even a good marriage. Telling a woman to ‘stop complaining’ is no solution to anything at all.
I can’t see how a little mutual empathy can hurt. Telling a woman to ‘stop complaining’ is simply asking her to feel isolated.
Seeing how normal it is to have a differing sex drive from your husband (I am not talking about statistics and articles one can find on Google – but real women – women with similar lives to myself) made me feel hopeful and as though I might have more ability to work on this than I had given myself credit for.
You said “Sex isn't the only thing to make a marriage/relationship. The moment you stop feeling loved is the moment to wonder what is going wrong.”
At no time have I suggested SEX is the ONLY thing to make a marriage/relationship. My husband is a wonderful man - but each person feels loved in different ways and one expression of love, is making love. So excuse me if I have some needs in that department. Oh and BY THE WAY if my husband doesn’t want to make love to me, then YES I STOP FEELING AS LOVED! My husband loves to eat, and feels loved when I cook for him. If I stopped cooking for him he would be pretty upset. Does that mean he isn't allowed to feel that way? Because some guy might say "stop complaining, you have a wife that wants to screw your brains out".
Am I being the best wife I can be by neglecting him in a way he needs love? I think not. I had to, as a young wife, learn how my husband needed love. I had to learn that he felt more loved with a homemade meatloaf hot on the table than a can of Campbell’s Soup left on the counter. I think that he still needs to learn how I need love – and that that is not a comment on my gratitude in other areas.
One good thing does not fill the void of another - nor does the void in one area diminish the good in another. I believe I have every right to complain about what I want, when I want, however much I want, on my own blog. You are like the people who claim to hate a particular channel and its programming, and can give a plethora of shows/ hosts they hate. Well why the fuck are you watching it then?
I didn't ask you to read my blog. When I start complaining on YOUR blog. Tell me to shut the fuck up. You would be more than justified in doing so. I can say that short of a few issues I have a wonderful marriage. We are very, very close in many other ways. We are best friends and exceptionally comfortable around each other. But part of a marriage is taking care of the other persons needs. He hopes I will take care of his needs – I hope the same in return.
You said: “When you were a little girl, did you day dream about weekly sexual escapades with a pilot or did you dream about growing old and sharing a life with someone you loved?”
I dreamed of many things. I think it is a little bit naïve to assume I dreamed of only ONE or the OTHER or - that it’s a choice between one or the other.
I want a healthy sex life and I want a husband to grow old with. Excuse me for having such ridiculous dreams.
You said “Talk to him and tell him your needs. If that doesn't work, buy a vibrator and use it in his presence. He's either going to get jealous or turned on.”
Oh – good to know this solves the problem. Hear that ladies? It’s just that simple. I suspect if it was that simple you would be rich as you would have saved the marriages of millions. I aspire to encourage the growth of intimacy. Sure in less practical moments maybe jealousy tactics may come out of anyone’s tool box. But I doubt it will SOLVE my problems.
You said “Believe me...I wish I would have appreciated the little things my husband used to do while he did them. His small efforts went unnoticed, so he just stopped. What I didn't realize was that when I ignored his little intimacies, I also inadvertently discouraged him from showing affection all together. You will miss it when it is gone.”
I am not a total asshole – and can acknowledge that THIS is the one valuable think you wrote in my opinion. Now had you simply shared this I would think you were a wise woman giving advice instead of all the other stuff that simply made me suspect you were judgmental, know it all who thinks she knows better than myself and the other women who have posted here.
You have obviously not made your blog available for others to see and since you do not advocate complaining in blogs it must be full of rainbows and lollipops. If that’s the case – why not share the wonderfully joyous, totally edited, version of your life for the rest of us whiners to read.
Anyways – thank you for your opinion!