I am feeling totally a divided mess in every area of life right now.
FRIENDSHIP
I screwed up with my best friend, and am sincerely not sure that she will ever consider me a close friend again. I didn’t do anything malicious or heinous and she knows that. I just misread her needs, or perhaps was too self absorbed to have seen them. I was too self absorbed to read her and see that things were too one sided in my favour, too often.
I gave too little of myself to the person I consider my best friend.
On the other hand – I am totally feeling the same way she did about me with another friend. I am feeling like all I do is give and give. I am constantly inquiring about her needs emotionally, her life events, etc. I have been sympathetic to her issues nonstop yet she seems totally disinterested in returning the favour.
I feel like her back up friend and I am tired of it.
Karma is a smelly bitch.
SELF EXPLORATION / IMPROVEMENT
I have registered at a college for a certificate program in photography and begin in a few weeks. The program is comprised of completing 8 courses, 3 of which will be done before the baby comes. You work at your own pace in the sense that you can commit to only one, or commit to as many available courses at once. I figure I will hammer through 3 before the pregnancy, then register after that for only one at a time should I be able to manage it. I am excited for this course. I am saddened by the fact that no – it is not a diploma / degree… but it’s a start at a post secondary education. Until I found out about how my friend felt (which blindsided me on a very deep level) this education path had me feeling more hopeful than I had felt in a few years. I don’t know how to feel happy this morning though. I don’t know how to feel so happy when there is something so upsetting.
It’s like having a birthday that falls on the anniversary of a loved one’s death.
LOVE
I want to scream that I am at my limit with some things between James and I. Not just the issues intimately speaking but a few others.
On the other hand…I need love more than I have ever needed it before – but I am to angry to know how to ask for it without the fear of not getting what I need so badly right now.
Life would be easier if I’d have married a pug dog or something.
MOTHERHOOD
Despite being excited I feel next to nothing for this pregnancy. I know that on one level this is not normal, but know on another, given the three miscarriages, it is perfectly normal.
I can’t help but feel like the people who have said it was normal to fear attachment are just trying to comfort me. I can’t help but feel like listening to them is me excusing myself from being a ‘bad mother’ in some way. I don’t know how to feel about this at all.
Not to mention I basically left work because my three year old told me to. Yes this is pathetic, but right now I need her just as much as she needs me…. Wow… that excuse didn’t make my first statement seem less pathetic… it seems more so now. Oye vey.
I am fulfilling the prophecy that all parents fuck up their kids somehow.
I just want to go into hiding and I don’t know how to manage any of the things I am currently feeling.
Actually even better than hiding.. I want to be stuck on a deserted island with an open bar, and a hot bartender who took gold at the olympics for Naked Twister.
Then I would feel much better.
FRIENDSHIP
I screwed up with my best friend, and am sincerely not sure that she will ever consider me a close friend again. I didn’t do anything malicious or heinous and she knows that. I just misread her needs, or perhaps was too self absorbed to have seen them. I was too self absorbed to read her and see that things were too one sided in my favour, too often.
I gave too little of myself to the person I consider my best friend.
On the other hand – I am totally feeling the same way she did about me with another friend. I am feeling like all I do is give and give. I am constantly inquiring about her needs emotionally, her life events, etc. I have been sympathetic to her issues nonstop yet she seems totally disinterested in returning the favour.
I feel like her back up friend and I am tired of it.
Karma is a smelly bitch.
SELF EXPLORATION / IMPROVEMENT
I have registered at a college for a certificate program in photography and begin in a few weeks. The program is comprised of completing 8 courses, 3 of which will be done before the baby comes. You work at your own pace in the sense that you can commit to only one, or commit to as many available courses at once. I figure I will hammer through 3 before the pregnancy, then register after that for only one at a time should I be able to manage it. I am excited for this course. I am saddened by the fact that no – it is not a diploma / degree… but it’s a start at a post secondary education. Until I found out about how my friend felt (which blindsided me on a very deep level) this education path had me feeling more hopeful than I had felt in a few years. I don’t know how to feel happy this morning though. I don’t know how to feel so happy when there is something so upsetting.
It’s like having a birthday that falls on the anniversary of a loved one’s death.
LOVE
I want to scream that I am at my limit with some things between James and I. Not just the issues intimately speaking but a few others.
On the other hand…I need love more than I have ever needed it before – but I am to angry to know how to ask for it without the fear of not getting what I need so badly right now.
Life would be easier if I’d have married a pug dog or something.
MOTHERHOOD
Despite being excited I feel next to nothing for this pregnancy. I know that on one level this is not normal, but know on another, given the three miscarriages, it is perfectly normal.
I can’t help but feel like the people who have said it was normal to fear attachment are just trying to comfort me. I can’t help but feel like listening to them is me excusing myself from being a ‘bad mother’ in some way. I don’t know how to feel about this at all.
Not to mention I basically left work because my three year old told me to. Yes this is pathetic, but right now I need her just as much as she needs me…. Wow… that excuse didn’t make my first statement seem less pathetic… it seems more so now. Oye vey.
I am fulfilling the prophecy that all parents fuck up their kids somehow.
I just want to go into hiding and I don’t know how to manage any of the things I am currently feeling.
Actually even better than hiding.. I want to be stuck on a deserted island with an open bar, and a hot bartender who took gold at the olympics for Naked Twister.
Then I would feel much better.